morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
