If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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