I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
