he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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