theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
how does that bad decision feel?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
