you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I lost the right to judge tonight
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
