The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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