I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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