Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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