Already got asked if we're dating
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
