He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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