just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
