So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
