just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
