all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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