I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
