guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
We need to rekindle our bromance
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Randomize
