Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
