Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
it hurts more in the daytime
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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