I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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