this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
