Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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