We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He did a backflip because drugs
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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