Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
are you so shy because you have an std?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
