Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
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