I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
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