I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
