There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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