i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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