Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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