you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
