while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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