They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
