I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
