the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
3pm strippers are depressing
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
