youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
