Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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