wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
