I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
