can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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