Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize