Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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