I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
3 2 1 whiskey
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
