Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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