I think my vagina is haunted
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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