Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
