im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
