Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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