The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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