After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
