Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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