so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
