Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
