pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
How does one acquire holy water?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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