My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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